I do stand up and write sketches on the side. Comedy baby!
This is a missed connection parody I wrote. It got rejected by McSweeny’s, but my teacher and comedy legend Scott Dikkers put it in his new book, How To Write Funnier. So that’s fun.
Missed Connection: We locked eyes during office building fire - m4w - 30
This might be a bit of a long shot but I was across the room from you on the 4th floor of the Gunnar/Fraska building when it went up in flames. I remember as smoke billowed into the room you looked like an angel descending through the clouds from heaven. The fire quickly swept through, literally lighting up your caramel colored hair. It happened in an instant, but to me it felt like a lifetime. When the blaze spread to your body I became entranced watching you rhythmically move in tune with each flickering flame, and I stood there wondering if maybe someday we might find ourselves consumed in our own passionate dance. It was after the smoke forced me to the ground that our eyes met for a split second. I wanted to ask for your number, but a fireman carried away your beautiful mutilated body before I could shout out to you. You just looked back through the raging inferno; your melting face melting my heart.
Did we make a connection there in that room? Because I can’t help but wish it had been my love that engulfed you that day. If you’re still alive and see this I’d love to take you out. Perhaps we could stoke the spark of romance with a fondue dinner? Until then I’ll be waiting for a chance encounter with you in the burn unit.
News hot off the press from my Onion class at Second City:
Pruitt blames floundering Gulf Coast on angry cod.
Opioids: Learn all the juicy facts behind America’s hottest trend.
Today’s forecast: Rainy with a chance of nuclear fallout.
This year’s Academy Award for best Feature Documentary goes to Tyler Perry, for “Madea 20: Madea’s Diary of a Diabetic.”
Study: Sitting On Your Ass All Day Can Lead To Being A Fucking Fatass.
Minority teen gets fucked in steamy new POV video recorded with police body cam.
North Koreans applaud Kim Jong-Un for winning Nobel Peace Prize.
Diagnosing Trump, Medical Community Formally Recognizes Sleep-tweeting Disorder
After 13 billion years, God finally ready to make finest creation.
Weinstein posts #metoo tweet from prison.
Loner in India says it’s difficult to meet people.
Malaysia board of education debates offering children extra credit for factory work.
Vatican releases list of 10 best places for infidels to view the rapture.
Death row inmate requests jar of mayonnaise for last meal.
PETA demands action against teen who scores prized lion in Big Buck Hunter.
Man finally gets tattoo commemorating bitching 2015 tax return.
Autonomous car careens off bridge in act of suicide.